Bittersweet

Tomorrow is a big day. It is for the obvious reasons, (that probably every pregnant woman carries) in that we'll get another, good, look at our baby and hopefully get to learn the sex, but also for a sentimental reason.

To understand this, you must go back to with me to last September/October...

I was seeing my old Ob/Gyn for fertility treatments and I believe I recently learned that the best (and pretty much only) fertility center in our area did not accept our insurance. Our insurance with wonderful fertility coverage which was, apparently, totally useless. I knew we couldn't afford to pay for any fertility treatments. This was before I read the book The Infertility Cure and learned about Traditional Chinese Medicine, so I was feeling pretty hopeless because the fertility treatments being done by my Ob/Gyn weren't working and I knew they were not doing them properly most of the time. I really was unsure whether I'd ever be able to carry our child.

So I was sitting in the waiting room on this Fall day. In my old practice they have a separate section for ultrasounds, blood work, and mammograms. Same office, but a different section w/ a different waiting room. I'd spent a lot of time there for previous blood work, but that day was different. I would be having an ultrasound to see if I ovulated at all that cycle (something my body doesn't do on it's own).

I was sitting in a chair facing the back wall and trying my hardest not to look around at people. I was extremely emotional this day for some reason and I was sitting there all by myself.

A young woman waleds in with her husband. Not only was she tall and beautiful, but she had the most adorable bump ever. They were so happy. She looked so cute in her sweater dress and tall boots. I could just tell they were there for their "big ultrasound" and couldn't help but think of how I couldn't be any further than that. There I was, about the same age, and I wasn't even sure I could get pregnant. There I was, all by myself, waiting to go for my ultrasound which would show a completely empty uterus. Let me tell you, even though I was fully expecting to see no baby in there, it was heartbreaking to look at the ultrasound machine and see nothing. Just empty space in there. Yes, that's normal when you're not pregnant, but you don't often see it on the ultrasound machine because most people who have ultrasounds and all the pictures I'd see before, are pregnant.

Slowly, I began to tear up and cry. I couldn't hold it in. I felt so mad, so helpless, and so alone. The total opposite of the cute bump in the sweater dress. I sat in that waiting room quietly crying by myself until they called me back for my ultrasound. And then I got to see my empty uterus. It was heartbreaking and to this day I can still remember and feel the way I felt.

I cried on my way home from work today, thinking about that Fall day and about what would be happening to us tomorrow. Tears of complete and utter happiness and tears of sadness for the poor girl in the waiting room that day.

So tomorrow is important. I can't wait and I can't believe that it's not only our turn, but that we get a turn to have that same appointment the sweater dress girl and her husband did that day.

Our appointment is at 9:00 AM. I'm not sure how I'll sleep tonight. 1/2 of me is just so excited to see our baby, looking like a real baby and finding out the sex and the other 1/2 of me is terrified that something is going to be wrong. Please, please let our baby be healthy tomorrow.