A How To

How To Piss Off a Pregnant Women:

1. Do not carry a sewing needle at Kroger. But please, go ahead and stock everything else random under the sun. Need some painters tape? A light bulb in every size? Panty hose? Paint brushes? Gardening gloves? I could go on and on. But no sewing needles.

2. Tell her on Friday that you are getting more of the organic, nice ground beef she likes that you're currently out of. When Monday rolls around, announce that it's still not here. (Puts a damper on the meat sauce for dinner, huh?)

3. Be out of the organic Parmesan cheese you normally carry. Really, it's OK, I wasn't about ready to cry in the middle of Kroger already thanks to your lack over inventory and my pregnancy hormones. But that's great - the cheese I always buy, today is a GREAT day to be out of it.

4. Furthermore, it's a really good idea to not carry any sort of decent whole wheat pasta. It's cool, I prefer my choices to either be cardboard crap I refuse to eat or full on white pasta. (For those interested - Whole Foods' own brand of 100% ww pasta is SOOOO good!)

5. As I am driving away, already pissed off that the spaghetti dinner I was craving has turned into a complete mess, please let the woman in the car in front of me waiting to turn out, smoke her damn cigarette with her windows down and ash on the ground every few seconds. (I think she finally made the connection of why I was laying on my horn at her each time). Seriously... why the hell should I have to roll up my windows and not enjoy the beautiful day just so I don't have so smell your nasty smoke and you can pollute the air? If you want to smoke, fine with me, i really don't care - but you're an asshole if you're going to do it where anyone else can be exposed. Roll up your damn windows! There, how do YOU like smelling all that smoke? And, as I was alluding to earlier - the world is not a trash can!

How To Make a Pregnant Woman VERY Happy

1. Groom her dogs for $22, $17.50, and $17.50 and be the nicest, best, most wonderful groomer around! Seriously, if anyone in Franklin, TN area is needing a dog groomer - I know THE BEST (and so damn cheap that I feel I have to tip her lots!)

2. Be her husband and call as she's leaving the devil that is Kroger and tell her your overtime got cut and you will stop at Whole Foods to pick up the missing ingredients. :) awwwww