Shock

I can't say I've ever been truly shocked about anything in my life before today. I still don't even really know what to do with myself. I feel different, but the same. I feel pregnant, but not pregnant. I feel excited beyond words, but also terrified that something bad will happen.

I woke up this morning and was annoyed that my period was nowhere in sight. Don't get me wrong, a girl going through infertility doesn't usually want to see her period, but I was excited enough this month that I actually ovulated with only help from Metformin, acupuncture, and herbs. However, I thought I ovulated earlier than it turns out I did, so our timing was a little off. I thought. My husband must have some crazy sperm with the longevity of who knows what though because I peed on a stick this morning just to make sure everything was negative even though I am, supposedly, 18 days past ovulation.

With my last Clomid cycles I had 16 day luteal phases w/ some spotting before then and this was nothing like that so I was wondering what was up. I let the dogs outside and went to the bathroom and decided to grab a stick just for the hell of it. I've seen so many negative tests by this point, what is one more, especially when you're expecting it, right?

HOLY SHIT! I immediately saw TWO pink lines (the bottom stick in the first picture here) and ran back into our bedroom and woke my husband up and said do you see what I see on this stick!?!

Total shock. And then I freaked out and thought that just can't be right. So I drank 2 glasses of water and a glass of tea and waiting about 40 minutes until I could muster up any feeling of having to pee. The stick on top of this first picture is that pee stick. Another positive.
Still dumbfounded, I walked circles around my house for awhile and then decided to run to Target to get a digital. I've never gotten as far as a digital before. We also picked up this cute picture frame and little rain deer booties to tell my parents, if it was in fact positive.

Here is my digital. I still can't believe the word "NOT" is not in front of the word "pregnant".

I'd always seen other girls' pictures of this and couldn't imagine if being my pee and my stick. I ran out to my husband and was shaking and freaking out.

I am so excited and want to celebrate, but I'm scared too. Because of going through all of this infertility stuff I have seen the heartbreak and pain that can sometimes come, even after positive pregnancy tests. This is no where near the end, but it's a step in the right direction. I have to keep telling myself that thousands of women everywhere get pregnant, pee on a stick, and have a happy and healthy pregnancy from then on. Please let that be me.

My husband is so excited but it also afraid of getting too excited. I am trying to look at it this way: if we are not excited and happy and are just scared all of the time and everything is just fine, then we'll have missed out on this milestone and part of the journey. I think that would be sad. I am of the feeling that whatever is going to happen, is going to happen either way - whether we tell people, whether we get excited, whether I start planning, or whether I ignore it. RIGHT?

So for now we're being very cautiously optimistic and hopeful. I can't believe that acupuncture and herbs did this! I believed in my heart that it could really work, but sometimes, going through infertility, you aren't sure if anything is going to work.

I decided I wasn't going back to my ob/gyn after the bad experience with Clomid and everything and that's just as well since I recently got a letter stating they're not doing obstetrics anymore and I didn't have an appointment with my new RE until 3 more weeks so I am actually without a Dr. right now. I think I will call my best friends ob/gyn on Monday and see if I can at least get in for some betas and go from there. There is nothing I can do about it at the moment anyway so for now I am going to be blissfully pregnant... and in shock. :)